Steven Shapiro™ Brand Guidelines
For 50+ years, we’ve been—in reverse chronological order—a trusted advisor, a loyal friend, and the proud owner of a red tricycle.
Our brand has stood the test of time for one simple reason: nobody has killed us yet.
Now, we’re looking ahead to a new chapter of our journey. With this guide as your, um, your guide, you have everything you need to elevate ideas, forge connections, and achieve greatness the Shapiro way.
Thanks for being part of something special.
Brand Holdings
We are diversified. We do not rest on our laurels. Even if we knew what that meant we wouldn’t do it. Our influence is spread across the web and expanding by the day.
Note: these are actual URLs Steven owns.
selfie-esteem.com: Where people can send selfies and receive instant compliments from either an AI chatbot or a legion of pigs trained to type, pending our lawsuit against the Department of Agriculture
playmoreworryless.com: An archive of near-scientific evidence that gambling addiction is not a real thing.
politically-transmitted-diseases.com: Discreet, full-service medical care for Ohio Senator Sherrod Brown.
peternityleave.org: The homepage of our flagship subsidiary, Peternity Leave, which offers grooming services and free legal counsel to expecting dog mothers.
foreign-on-campus.com: Resources college students can use to convince their friends they’ve spent time abroad, when in fact they worked at Red Lobster all summer.
find-yourself-find-your-future.com: The original all-in-one online compass for people lost in the woods.* (*Requires internet access)
pissing-away-money.com: The registration portal for our tragically-misunderstood six-week cryptocurrency investment program.
Brand Recommendations
Our brand is built around simplicity and ease, but there are a few things you’ll need to know to become a Shapiro HeroTM. Refer to this list whenever you create alongside us or want to understand us better.
If you discuss CSG’s annual gift water bottles with us, treat the conversation not like a movie, but like a new episode of your favorite TV show. There will be no resolution. You will need to come back next week.
Your precious project timeline will not survive unless you enhance it with the “Shapiro buffer” false due date.
Do not interpret our stalwart reliance on the shark cage exercise as a sign that we’re sure it’s any good.
Client meetings are a proving ground for our latest metaphors. Your assistance may be required to help the linear thinkers keep up.
We may join meetings from the car. No, we do not have a phone holder. Try not to worry about us.
Like the beautiful and mysterious jaguar, we are often difficult to track. If we don’t answer on Slack, try email. Then text. Then just come to the house.
We sometimes say NSFW things before we realize what we’ve said. When we realize it our head will turn red. This is normal.
What’s that? You’ve got some Asana approval tasks for us? Print them. You heard us. Print them out. You think we buy all this fucking toner as a favor to Staples?
Feed us before meetings lest our hanger fall on ye like a thunderbolt.
If you make us cry, it means the work is good.