CSG’s Music Festival
CSGpalooza 2024
Imagine this: our beloved CSG is suddenly transformed into a music festival. Everything that used to b—what’s that? How did it transform? It doesn’t matter how. It’s just a fun little game. Don’t worry about it.
So imagine CSG is a music festival, and all of us are hanging ou—what? Yes, CSGers got transformed too. Yes, even if they were OOO. I don’t know, they just did. Let’s say magic. I DON’T KNOW, THEY JUST DID, OK?!
Anyway, if you were to walk into CSGpalooza 2024, where would everyone be? What would they be doing? Who would be wearing a deer skull and drinking an adaptogen-infused seltzer? Let’s discuss.
Note: this list is not intended to depict anyone’s personality accurately. Please address complaints to brookewyliemademe@notmyfault.com
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Their pigtail braids jumping like popcorn in a skillet, Abby and Emily commence a deadly Shuffle battle.
Out front, RJ scalps tickets. He will later use the profits to buy a lovely down comforter from Wayfair in “Nutmeg Tan.”
Margo, Maranda, and Molly patrol backstage areas with earpieces and clipboards. They do not work for the festival.
Kris P. wears furry boots and a hat that reads “Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe.”
Annetta walks around pretending to make sure everyone is drinking enough water but in fact stealing their bracelets.
Karen and Stephanie squash a bundt cake into a stage confetti cannon to see what will happen.
Waiting to begin her main-stage performance, Daniela terrorizes the makeup team and eats quartered red grapes per her contract rider.
From his trusty fanny pack, Ethan dispenses “party favors” to “clients” so they can get “extremely high.”
Sarah tries to FaceTime her cat from the third row to make sure he’s OK.
Brooke is crying. When asked why, she says, “Reality is just very complicated right now.”
Brad and Kayla wear inflatable T-rex costumes and run into each other at full speed.
Moira covers every surface she can in graffiti before Jaimee and Dave throw her out à la Road House.
Haley sells trinkets and palm readings at strangely low prices from the back of a Toyota 4Runner.
Backstage, Kristie takes photos of the performers for posterity and closeups of their ears for her private collection.
Newly signed to a social media content company, Cody and Gena vlog for their very lives.
Courtney drafts a statement for the festival to address the ringworm outbreak she knows is coming.
Shannon sets small fires and giggles to herself.
John feels good and celebrates by taking his clothes off.
Kris F. promises himself that if the band doesn’t promote him from tambourine to keyboards within six shows, he’ll quit the tour.
After several “low vibe” encounters, Caroline begins to suspect the crystal she bought from Haley was not properly charged.
Jason dances very slowly so as not to disturb the corndogs he ate.
Olivia debuts a healing technique she calls “Deep Reiki,” which the casual observer might confuse with being slapped across the face.
Madison protects the VIP section from randos like Gandalf on the bridge.
During a slow part, Peter E. yells, “Do something!” to a DJ, and it gets a pretty big laugh, so that’s good.
Unable to afford RJ’s asking price, Erik innovates a way in by climbing a utility pole.
Peter M. privately reflects on how much better DMB at the Gorge in ‘05 was.
Bri lies in the shade, eyes closed, and swears that if she makes it out of this, she will never speak to Ethan again.
Tammy foolishly clings to hope that the bathrooms won’t be that bad.
Eyes watering from his first Deep Reiki session, Dylan accidentally wanders onstage and is forced to improvise a song.
Steven nurses the same beer the whole weekend and unplugs stage equipment at random.