Shaun Does His Kitchen

If you thought a stay-at-home order would keep CSG Strategy Coordinator slash man about town, Shaun Burgess from doing Denver — you thought wrong. Read on to discover what debauchery lurks in Shaun’s kitchen and learn how to make a banging vegetarian tostada while you’re there.

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  • 5 Cans of Refried Beans

  • 5 Pounds of Shredded Mexican Blend Cheese

  • 5 Tomatoes

  • 3 Packs of Tostadas

  • 3 Red Onions

  • 2 Jars of Jalapeños

  • 1 Bag of Rice

  • 1 Thing of Sour Cream

  • 1 Packet of Shredded Lettuce

Serving Size: A tiny village in the Swiss Alps. 

No meat. It’s 2020, if you’re not a veghead what are you doing with your life? #GetWithTheProgram

I put the recipe on top for two reasons: Firstly, because no one likes to endlessly scroll to the bottom, past at least one ad for Cialis, and secondly, because we’re not getting the bag for those ad dollhairs.

Before we start on this cooking adventure, play this video so you can blame your tears on the laughter instead of the onions. 

The Best of the Best on Snatch Game: No that’s not Adele, it’s a drag queen. 

As you prepare to cook for that tiny village in the Swiss Alps, or as I like to call it, my stomach, tie your apron on and give us your best Julia Child impersonation. Then, open the pack of rice and toss it in the rice cooker like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson tosses you around in your sleep, and press start. Also, I hear it’s good if you add some water, but you do you boo! (Note: Rice cooker not included in this recipe.)

Next up: Chop, chop, chop all those delicious veggies up, or as some of your kids call them “the enemies.” We want to chop up the veggies first, so you don’t get overwhelmed once you turn the stove on. I don’t care what Blue Apron says about letting the pan heat up while you chop, there’s no way you can chop that many veggies in that short amount of time. Do we look like Gordon Ramsay on a good day? Nope! So set your expectations low because we all know Blue Apron is a bunch of liars — my salmon tartare did not look like their picture. #Bitter 

After you’ve done the hard work and shed too many tears  because of the laughter and not because your boyfriend just broke up with you for the 5th time, it’s time for the fun part: Drinking. Drink at least two beers or half a bottle of wine. 

The time has come, to sauté your veggies. Good luck and promise me not to burn off one of your eyebrows. Throw some oil in the pan like you’re at a hibachi grill and say “Bam!” Now that you’re one step to becoming a master chef like Emeril (yep, that’s all it takes), throw the onions on the hot pan and let them simmer. Throw your five cans of beans into a separate pan. 

My motto is “if you’re not tootin’, you betta be a scootin’ outta my kitchen.” 

Let those come to a simmer, and voila! You’re ready to start assembling your vegetarian tostada. 

We’re almost there, I promise. Lather up the hard shell with sour cream, throw some beans on there, then at least half the rice you cooked, then the enemies aka veggies and top it off with cheese! But, don’t take a bite just yet! Remember why you did this? You did this for the ‘gram, and because you secretly think you’re a foodie influencer. 

After your photoshoot is said and done, drink two more beers or the rest of the wine bottle. Now, it’s time to take a bite and taste the most delicious tostada, mainly because you’re probably drunk, but who cares because #quarantine. Enjoy! 

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